Pouring of thoughts

10June2024 12:39

So I decided to stop drinking coffee and energy drinks again. 

I had quick both of them at the same time that I stopped drinking alcohol, but started back after my Aunt passed away because I felt so sluggish and felt I needed the kick. 

Now after a few months of them in my system again I’m starting to feel sluggish and lame because of them. 

Don’t worry I’m not judging anyone that enjoi’s these things, just recognizing my need for them as come to an end. At this point, they are hurting way more than helping.

This is a positive sign. 

  1. It means my energy is getting back to normal. In general, I’m a morning bird and a night owl. I can function well without much sleep. I tend to feel weird if I sleep more than 6 hrs….ok not weird, I just feel tired. 
  2. My head space feels much better than it has. 


The whole time I’ve been going through all this stuff I kept telling myself it’s ok. 

It’s ok. You have to go through this because you can’t go back to the way things were. Things are only going forward. So go forward, find your understanding in it. Find you peace.


I don’t know if I’ve fully grasped any understanding at the moment. I still have this fear of going home and being with my family and having to admit that my grandfather will be passing away soon. 

I can accept it from here, but accepting it there in my head seems to carry a different weight to it. It reminds me very much of how I felt when I had to go see my grandmother in the hospital. 

Maybe it’s this childish idea that the longer I wait the longer he will stay. 

Part of me feels like the bad guy because I can tell that my mother wants me to come home badly. She brings it up in every conversation we have. This has also made me want to avoid conversation, which sucks because I enjoi talking to my mother.
In these moments I feel like a kid again. Not wanting to let my mother down and also feeling like she isn’t thinking about the situation from my end. Only putting pressure on me, not actually allowing me to deal with things in a way that works best for me. 


There’s nothing exciting about getting on a plane to somewhere knowing that you are going to say goodbye. It’s that awkward last interaction of a relationship. Yet this isn’t a relationship that you or anyone around you want to end. 

The bigger truth is I don’t want to see my mother sad. I also don’t think that she will show it which hurts even more because I know that she is hurt, but I understand that she is also processing these things in real-time trying to make sense of it all. 

Because again no one ever talked to us about these moments and how to deal with them.


How does one prepare for losing their parent? How does life feel after they are gone? 


We live in a world that at this point can seem so fast-paced, there’s this and that to take care of; often we don’t talk about these things. 

But there’s always time for politics. 


We talk about death in so many ways, though not often in family matters.


Sigh…Not sure where I’m going with this anymore. 

Maybe the point is; that I’ve seen photos, and I’ve had video chats with my grandfather recently. I don’t think I want my goodbye to him with him in this state. 


My grandfather was this old guy who reminded me of Popeye the Sailor man. I never understood how an old man could be so strong. 


Yeah, I don’t know where I’m going anymore, just sharing thoughts as they come. 

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